Okay, so what the fuck have I been doing? Seriously? I mean, I come here... I babble on about totally stupid shit... I keep living my life in a way that will never actually allow me to self actualize...

I realized not that long ago that... I don't act on what I feel. I act on what other people tell me they think, i think. which is not something i do on purpose... it's a habit i picked up to keep myself from totally fucking up when i was coming off drugs... because obviously what i thought and felt didn't lead me down a path i was happy with, or could survive through...

however, there are some serious changes a-comin'. i can feel it in my teeth, my bones... i'm about to make some really hard decisions that might not feel good, but will lead to the outcome that will ultimately make me happy...

i know, this is once again very, very vague...

i'm just not in a place to explain right now... but i can say, things are going to get better... i'm going to do what is right for me...

i'm finally actually truly over dan. i left his funeral early... i couldn't sit through all the good things people had to say about them when i couldn't reconcile them with the dan i knew... i'm not angry anymore. and i know i say that over and over... but sometimes you think something is over but... today i felt my heart lift. i am in control of my life, i am in control of my body and the things i think and say.

i'm finally in control of my life again, i'm not giving it away.

this is going to change everything. i just have to go about this the right way and not spend the next however long burning bridges, like the old lori...

i love this lori. damn, where the fuck have i been?