I've been a little mentally off lately. The zoloft really isn't what I should be on and... I don't think anyone knows any better than I do what I should be on... i would know. i've been to a ridiculous amount of people to help me find out. all they do is change diagnoses. they have no idea what the actually do about any of them though. so I'm just trying to get off anti-depressants all together and see if I can manage life as a crazy woman in a crazy world...

I can't handle not feeling things. I don't dream. I sleep but I never feel rested. My creativity is in there somewhere but it just seems to be buried underneath... numbness. did i mention i have not had any desire to have sex three months? at all. not just no desire but like actually really creeped out by sex in general... my anxiety is actually starting to pick up and i have gotten more agoraphobic...

strange how meds that are supposed to help you function can so thoroughly fuck up every aspect of your life. so i stopped taking them about a week ago and now i'm not doing so great because i feel sick and dizzy all the time and i'm having a bit of trouble concentrating because i'm dizzy... but this is pretty normal when you've been on anti-depressants as long as i have though. everything else is much better.

now, i'm not saying this is going to work. i'm hoping that it does. but i can't go forever feeling like i have no feelings and not dreaming and the when i do finally dream it's these really vivid night terrors and i have all kinds of crazy physical symptoms...

i need to find a good counselor who isn't a pill pusher or a religious nut. i want to actually work through things not cover them up with pills that don't end up making things better anyway.

anyway, that's why i haven't written lately. i'm going to write alot than i used to though. i think it's really cathartic...

aside from that... drove up skyline drive to front royal this weekend... kody got to see the shenandoah mountains. planned to go to asheville but that fell through. kody doesn't have to be in security anymore because he sucks at shooting little paper targets apparently... which is kind of funny because i'm not half bad at all. anyway, he gets to go back to his old section but he essentially failed something... and kody doesn't usually do poorly at anything he tries so he's really bummed. his old section is happy to have him back but the people in security like him and want him to try and go to the next shoot and do better... doubt he'll want to do that. anyway, it's a bit bittersweet but he gets to go back where he wanted to do. yay.

oh yeah, and we drove up to northern va. i saw the house i lived from 4th to 6th gradefor the first time in at least a decade...

it was weird. i don't identify with northern va at all anymore. but i can tell you where all my tax dollars must be going. straight to fairfax county. vienna is not like i remember it at all. i think fairfax has changed more... but the houses in my old neighborhood seem to have been bulldozed much like piney point in houston to put in small villas... it made me queezy. my old high school looks like a shopping center... at least my elementary school still looked somewhat down to earth.

everything is so commercial and so manicured...anyway, all i can say is... memories are great... but i really don't have any desire to go there ever again.

dennis kucinich's sister died :(
that's very sad.

i made an apple pie that i cooked too long and it turned into more like carmelized apple sauce pie and... i think i am going to do that on purpose from now on because it's alot like heaven on a plate.

k, so i voted. i stood in line for two hours. when i got to the front of the lines the voting machines were already broken. keep in mind i was there before the polls even opened. i got there half an hour early. if i'd gone any earlier i wouldn't have been able to take kody to work.

so i voted for barack obama... and mark warner... and bill day.

No matter how much I want to vote for Nader... when it comes down to it I had to vote against John McCain...

i was in line for a long time so i got a feel for who some of the people were voting for. sadly, it still seemed like alot of people were voting mccain... but there were alot of obama mumblings as well. i didn't take a poll or anything. i am in virginia and i value my safety. that could easily have started a riot... so anyway, yeah. i voted. now i have to go study.

go vote people!

Okay, so we've moved to Virginia. We live here (it's the tidewater floorplan.

Thanks to not having a POA I couldn't set up the move and Kody kept having issues with the property office... so our stuff is still sitting in storage in Bremerton until next week. We should get it around the beginning of September. goody.

Day before yesterday I heard on the radio that Barack Obama was having a townhall meeting in Chesapeake, which is not terribly far from here. So I went, and stood in line for tickets to the thing. It was last night and I liked alot of the things that he had to say. He did say that we "have to balance security and our civil liberties"... just like that... and i turned ghost white, my jaw dropped and I vowed to vote for Nader... but then he said something about reversing wire tapping and restoring habeus corpus and I mellowed a little.
http://video.yahoo.com/watch/3349625/9394343

I had forgotten how liberal Washington is compared to other places... I mean, I knew it... I just couldn't fully understand the extent of it while I was there... Bremerton was so much more conservative than Oly had been...

I dunno. I guess I just felt like I was the most liberal person in that room last night. Like, I don't feel like Barack Obama should make concessions on things like offshore drilling. Saying that we should do more offshore "exploring" got alot of clapping and I think I felt my heart drop into my stomach. I don't think people can fully understand what that means. I don't fully understand the levity of it and I know it's a really heavy issue!!!

Anyway, got a place, had a few hiccups but we're here. Still sitting on the floor... but we do have a bed...

I got in an argument with the woman working at the DMV... so I'm putting off doing all that crap. The jist of it is that she essentially changed my name on my drivers license, told me i was stupid for caring, refused to change it and then basically told me to sit down and shut up after walking off for about half an hour while i was standing at the counter... i spent two hours there.... an hour and a half talking to her and she still couldn't get it right so i told her just to give me my money back and get a job that wasn't over her head (by this point she'd already told me i should just talk to her manager because she didn't "have time to deal with my shit"... hello... you just tried to change my identity, that can effect alot of things... ugh.)

Anyway, I am still looking for work. Won't be able to get enrolled in classes til later in the semester or next semester. still looking for a job. It's kind of lonely here... but it feels more like home... even if it is lonely.

Anyway, I guess that's all for now.