Lori Lynne Pajamas

loreleilove @ 2009-10-16T16:57:00

2009-10-16T20:57:19Z

Don't get the swine flu. It sucks.

loreleilove @ 2009-09-30T16:34:00

2009-09-30T20:43:37Z

So, originally my relationship was to be an open relationship... however, I think there is a point where you can't really say it's an open relationship anymore. I mean, I think that's part of my uneasiness with my present situation. I feel like... once you pass a certain point in a relationship it kind of becomes monogamous if you haven't seen anyone else. Doors close. I feel like at this point if I were to want to see other people Kody would be okay with it and I would be okay with him seeing other people but that is just in theory. In reality I fear that things would get very strange and I would ruin what I have. Not that I want to see anyone else. It's complicated. It's just something I've been mulling over lately.

In other news I've decided to move to Tennessee. It's closer to my family and I feel really comfortable there. It's going to be really weird being married and living by myself but Kody's going to be out to sea all the time anyway so we're going to do it this way. I just figure, realistically it would be better for me to be some place that's new but still really familiar. It's not a huge move at all.

Kody's taking off most of November (or at least that is our hope) to help me find a place.

I know my plans change a lot. I know I haven't really written anything here in ages except for random plans... but I'm really settled on this one. It feels right.

I've been taking an English class so I haven't had much time for writing on the side. I've got the worst writers block lately... which is just my luck. I could have writers block whenever but it just happens to fall when I have a pretty big assignment I need to be working on. hooray.

I'm happy, mostly healthy and hopeful. 2010 is quickly approaching and I feel ready for it. I've been so nostalgic for so long... I'm finally ready to take on the future. There is a place for thinking about the past.... but I'm not letting it swallow up my life anymore.

loreleilove @ 2009-09-17T14:26:00

2009-09-17T18:32:40Z

I don't know how it's possible to feel so behind in life and so bored with it at the same time.

Some days I just feel like there's nothing new... like I've tasted everything and every story is essentially a different spin on one that's already been told. Like, what's the point if I've seen it all. Sometimes I talk trash about kody's family for being so backward but sometimes I envy them for just being able to enjoy the simplest things as if they were the very essence of life.

I feel behind because everything is moving forward, people are moving forward and sometimes i just want to stand still. i can't take it all in... so i guess that proves that even though i may have seen a lot of things that there are things still worth seeing... i just miss things that are over so badly sometimes.

I've been thinking about michigan a lot lately. some of my time there was so horrific. i've gotten over that though... but i think in trying to get over it i let go of some of the really good things about it.

What on earth are any of us doing? I get so confused by people that seem to have it all figured out. I envy them and at the same time I feel like maybe they're missing something. How can you be so certain?

I just need to jump in full force and see what happens. The worst that can happen isn't really that bad.

Writer's Block: I May Be Crazy

2009-08-07T17:25:47Z

What does this Rorschach blot look like to you?

View 540 Answers

.

Two piglets sucking the life out of a scarab beatle. creepy.

loreleilove @ 2009-07-17T14:59:00

2009-07-17T19:04:18Z

I've lost 13 pounds! I finally feel like I'm getting somewhere!

What a day!

2009-07-14T01:01:12Z

Today was a really interesting day. So many truths came to light... not because I went to see Ammachi... but because it got me thinking.

So I saw a ticker on the bottom of the news screen the other day saying "people waiting to see hugging saint in d.c." and I immediately knew that meant Amma was in town. I have wanted to see her for at least five years now and even though Kody wasn't here and I know he would have wanted to go I decided it was important for me to go. If you don't know who Amma is... it's best just to read this and this.

My friend Rainbow and I took a trip to Vienna, stayed in the wolf trap hotel... where we briefly stayed the summer before I started at Fairfax High and we went to Ikea... it was a ton of fun.

Seeing Amma was really different than I thought it would be. Everything was so chaotic and fast paced and I pretty much got shoved into her arms and furiously kissed on my cheeks. I don't know that I think she is an incarnation of the divine mother but I do think that she brings so much good to the world. She made me realize (though not through her kind of disturbing hug) that I judge myself so harshly, I don't love myself as much as I should and I judge in ways I shouldn't. The way I judge myself I will never measure up. I'm doing so much better but today I just realized... I have such a long journey to stop doing that. I also realized that part of why I have such crazy relationships is because... I don't really believe in "god" the way I used to and I have taken that need for agape love and love from a "savior" and put that on the people in my life. No one can measure up if I'm trying to have a relationship with them like I used to have with "god". I've realized that I still need to spend that energy and time working on my spiritual life and self even if I don't believe in god exactly... because I do believe in something that isn't of this plane, something that isn't earthly... a love that goes beyond that. I smell like sandalwood and roses and I can taste rose water when I breathe.

Oh... and I discovered the most amazing food stuffs ever. It's called upma. It's a savory indian cream of wheat dish... most of the recipes call for ghee but it was made with oil instead... yay! and they had vegan chocolate cake hell yeah!

So anyway, I spent quite a bit of money getting up there and then today when I got home I had gotten a check from my grandmother that almost totally made up for it... just cause she's proud of me... which is nice... but I kind of think I'm old enough that she should stop sending me money just because she's proud of me. I don't want to take from her. She's got health stuff to deal with and just generally shouldn't be supporting me.

I ordered this book on amazon (used) and I got it today and it has a huge freaking cut out like it was someone's drug stash spot and that kind of pisses me of because with shipping I paid almost what the book cost the original owner (it still have the sale price on it with a marked down sticker... ugh).

Anyway, long day. Bizarre... good, bad, interesting, yummy, perfumy, chanting, meditation, hugging, smiling, singing, now sleep.

loreleilove @ 2009-06-25T01:15:00

2009-06-25T05:16:20Z

Why is the sponsored link on my gmail page a pro-ana site? ummm... wtf?

loreleilove @ 2009-06-24T22:41:00

2009-06-25T02:44:29Z

Today I got my acceptance letter from NMHU. I also got a letter from Kody's cousin in boot camp. I had dinner with friends, got 3 points added to my grade in Government, discovered the game Alpaca-o-poly, drank the recommended amount of water and laughed until I cried. The world is, as usual, going to hell in a hand basket... but somehow I really am truly blessed to be here in this moment, on this day. Thank you, universe.

loreleilove @ 2009-06-24T22:18:00

2009-06-25T02:19:21Z

How does trading up work? I need a new laptop. The one I have fried. So I'm thinking of attempting to trade up for one... is that possible in this day and age? I mean, a guy started with a paperclip and got a house... but I don't know that many people. I guess this is an experience that will get me back into the swing of talking to strangers...

Because the world needs less suck

2009-06-22T23:15:18Z

loreleilove @ 2009-06-02T20:36:00

2009-06-03T00:38:03Z

Oh my god. Drunk Lori has no place talking to people on Facebook. I sound like a complete idiot even when giving the soundest of advice. Seriously, I need to shut it.

loreleilove @ 2009-05-26T18:16:00

2009-05-26T22:29:06Z

Memorial Day weekend was alright. Rather similar to every other weekend except that we both ended up getting sick...

Having an epiphany is one thing... then executing what you get out of it is another.

I have books on the way for my next two classes. I got a $6000 tuition assistance scholarship thing from the military since Kody is in... and while I really hate being associated with the all this stuff... if they're going to give me money, i'm going to take it and be grateful for the fact that I have one less thing to worry about.

My sleep schedule is all out of wack again. Today I woke up, took Kody to work... then did some chores and slept til 2... in the afternoon... oh my god. Of course this means my body made up for the 7 hours of sleep I missed because of insomnia... but still. I feel like a total slacker. Which I guess I kind of am.

We got a new router which came with a "free" 50 song download. I think it actually is free. It's kind of false advertising though because it's a free trial period that you're signed up for and after that you have to remember to cancel. It's kind of awesome though because we've gotten 50 new songs and a free audiobook.

I'm thinking about going back to the UU church... only because I love the sense of community that comes from church but I'm a nonbeliever. I believe in people. This is what it always comes down to. I don't know why it's so hard to accept. I really enjoy playing church though... when I can find a liberal enough one that doesn't shake me back to the fact that I cannot get behind what they believe... but I don't believe in god. I think when we die, we're dead... I'm okay with all of my beliefs individually... if there were a friendlier sort of atheist group I would join... but I've yet to find one.

I guess I didn't have anything too interesting to say, but I wanted to post. Because I keep saying I'm going to post regularly... and I keep thinking nothing I have to say is that interesting... so I don't post. In the scheme of things, most things aren't important though.

Anyway, I hope you're all doing awesome. I am going to go take some midol and go lie back down. Sometimes being a girl physically hurts... blah.

i actually used lj cut... aren't you proud of me?

2009-05-21T21:41:25Z

This turned out to be really long... I was supposed to get my wisdom teeth taken out today... but I chickened out because I didn't have a ride home from the dentists office... and I wasn't going to drive home on pain killers. It just didn't seem smart.

I am working on losing weight... again. I am off to a pretty good start. I'm more interested in getting back in shape that I really am in how much I actually weigh.

My sleep schedule is all wacky again.

They called to offer me a chance to do another interview with the apartment complex. I thought about it for a few days, rearranged my class schedule so I wouldn't have anything really intense as far as the writing goes... so I'd be able to work and school both full time. Then I called them back and they were out of the office... I left a message and then had a little while to think about it. As much as it would be great to get out of this house and do something besides just school... I can't work full time and take full time classes when the job is at least 45 minutes (on average) from where I'm going to be moving and I really felt awful after both of those in person interviews. I couldn't make heads or tails of what they thought of me and they actually did this catty girl make fun of me thing in the fucking interview. It was all really superficial.

I've spent a lot of time the last few years freaking out and dwelling on the fact that I'm at a different place in my life than most of the people I grew up with who are my age. However, we're all on different pages. There are so many aspects of my life that I've spent more time on than other people my age and vice versa... but it's not a competition... life is not a competition. You can't beat someone and win... and I know this... but somehow it's still deep down in the core of the way I look at myself... and the longer I've let that fester the more its started coming up and I judge those closest to me on this crazy continuum of where they should be based on essentially a set of metrics... all subconsciously... it's fucking insane.

I've spent so much time afraid of failing that I've managed to accomplish less and less as time goes on... so I'm working on that.

I'm now looking for a fun job on the other side of the tunnel. I'm going to kick myself if I continue to judge my self worth according to my credit report, how many glasses of water I drink a day, how many calories I eat in a day, how many hours of whatever it is I'm stuck on in any given week I get accomplished. I'm not in a race to beat myself and somehow I'll kick my own ass and win some life race... because it's all fake. When did I get caught up in all this fake shit?

Also, I am beginning to realize just how much I gloss over the bad when I wax nostalgic... I have spent quite a bit of time... really since I moved to Olympia bitching about how much I miss X and if I just lived in town X instead of town Y, I would be fucking self actualized or something to that effect. I've never said it quite like that before but that's what I act like, and have somehow managed to convince myself of... but having some time to spend with someone who actually knows the people I know from northern virginia... and strangely enough also getting to spend time with someone who knows all the same people i do from mccallum when i was in austin... i managed to gloss over all the shitty stuff. It's not that I don't remember the crap along with the glossy greatness... I just compartmentalize them. I was having coffee with this girl who went to school with me in austin... who strangely enough neither of us really remember each other but remember knowing of each other and have the same basic group of acquaintances... and I just kept thinking about how crazy high school was, how great it was, how much it sucked and kind of being confused as to how that was possible because I've managed to stick everything in boxes... not nice neat little boxes... because nothing fits in nice neat little boxes and that's why I freak out so much.

I have spent so much of my time trying to make friends and then not actually associating with them because I have this secret fear that if they meet me they'll hate me... and maybe they will... but who's to say they won't also love me? Because I've come to realize (like some sort of epiphany) that someone can really hate me and simultaneously love the heck out of me... because it's just not that black and white... and that's what I've been missing in my crazy black and white world. Everything is a shade of grey... but not the same shade of grey... not all black and white... there is a spectrum and not everything is either diametrically opposed or the same.

So, I'm going to stop worrying that people won't love me because they hate an aspect of me... which if quite possible... to say I'm multifaceted is an understatement... because even if they do... it's not the end of the world. Just because everything isn't coming up roses all the time doesn't mean the world is going to end...

This is what you forget when you end up isolated for about half a decade. How crazy is that?

Part of what made me realize this was that I was having a conversation about how great austin was and how much I miss it and we started talking about someone that I kind of would have jumped in front of a bus for in high school... but also at times really wished i would just get hit by a bus because i couldn't stand dealing with this person any more... and I realized... you can feel both of those equally at the same time... so I feel sort of life I'm starting right back where I was in high school.

And somehow it opens this miracle door for me... now I can be happy where ever I go... because I will be able to love and hate it, sometimes even equally at the same time without having an anyeurism...

So I just wanted to say, thank you to all of you for being part of my life... for better and worse, sometimes simultaneously... when i'm loaded and when i'm broke... hopefully as long as this shit continues to play out... i love you... even if you're someone i don't like very much...

also, this makes my decision all those years ago, to pursue social work alot less heartbreaking and i'm going to just finish my degree (i'm getting there!) and do social work... because even if people break my heart, they can also help me find pieces that i didn't know i was missing and vice versa... it's not all or nothing anymore... this is so crucial for me to remember. if i can just hold on to this epiphany a little longer than most i'll be grateful.

loreleilove @ 2009-05-14T20:40:00

2009-05-15T00:41:34Z

I am so bored I could poke my own eye out just because... but my better judgement keeps me safe. ugh sooooo bored.

loreleilove @ 2009-05-14T06:58:00

2009-05-14T11:10:01Z

Yesterday was the best day ever! We're looking at moving across the water from here. I've spent the last week looking at apartments and yesterday Kody got off work early. I took him and showed him my two top picks.

Since I'd already viewed the apartments the second people just handed me the keys and Kody and I went by ourselves up to the model. Anyway long story short, we got up to this awesome apartment, walked in and it just felt like home. We walked out onto the balcony and I got really upset because it looked like there was a cat in a really sad state lying in the yard that I was about to go see if it was still alive and go from there. As I got closer it started to move and I realized it was not infact a calico cat but 8 grey and white baby ducks snuggling in the yard. So we spent about half an hour watching the baby ducks snuggling and I think that's the apartment we want.

I wish I had a video of the ducks. So sweet!

loreleilove @ 2009-04-25T20:40:00

2009-04-26T00:40:44Z

My mom passed her teacher certification test! hooray!

I don't think I got the job I wanted... I'm bummed but I'll just keep looking. ugh.

Writer's Block: Taxmen and Poetry

2009-04-16T21:03:37Z

It's Tax Day in the U.S., a day when the mind might be too occupied with deductions and long lines at the post office to think about poetry. But let's try: what's your favorite line of poetry? Song lyrics count.

View 500 Answers

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul. -Pablo Neruda

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart) -ee cummings

loreleilove @ 2009-04-16T16:07:00

2009-04-16T20:50:48Z

I'm working on accepting this affirmation as truth:

The cleanliness of my house and my self worth have no correlation.

Things that bring my joy lately:

Patty Griffin

The Green Brothers and Nerdfighting!

Shiva Rea, sunshine, a capella groups, acoustic versions, love, wildflowers, hope, social justice groups and you!

Thanks for being such great friends!!

loreleilove @ 2009-04-13T10:26:00

2009-04-13T14:29:25Z

I am so sleepy today! I have a ton of emails to respond to and... I can't seem to finish any of the things I want to say. blargh.

I had a really amazing weekend. We didn't do anything too terribly exciting, but it was really relaxed and we talked through a lot of the things that we've both been having trouble communicating. Communication is so important. It's the difference between thriving and failing in a marriage and... I think we're thriving again. Marriage takes so much work sometimes and it's not always very much fun... but it's worth it.

I don't really have much to say. I'm just really content with my life right now... and I almost never post when I'm actually content with my life.. This is to prove that it really does happen.

25 movies/quotes- tagged by my sister

2009-04-11T04:56:22Z

So I pick 25 of my favorite movies. I choose a quote. You guess what it's from (no cheating) and that's how it goes. Then you post your own if you so choose... that's the way these things go.

1." It seems strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years I had roses and apologized to no one. I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An inch. It is small and it is fragile and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must NEVER let them take it from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the worlds turns, and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you." (this is the only part of any movie that has made me cry in a very, very long time)

2. " Listen. I don't like to preach, but here's some advice. You'll meet a lot of jerks in life. If they hurt you, remember it's because they're stupid. Don't react to their cruelty. There's nothing worse than bitterness and revenge. Keep your dignity and be true to yourself. "
"Bullshit! Life isn't absurd! Some people give their lives for freedom. You think my uncle died for fun?" (i'm giving you two because this one is hard and i had to pull these from imdb because i don't own it and no one else seems to have the transcript)

3. "I'll never understand what possessed my mother to put her faith in God's hands, rather than her local geneticist."

4. "this one November this flock o'ducks came in and landed on that lake, and uh the temperature dropped so fast that the lake froze right there and then the ducks, they flew off ya see
and took the lake with them and uh, now they say that lake is over in Georgia..."

5. "I think one of the greatest untold stories of the 20th century is the collusion between corporations, especially in America, and Nazi Germany. First, in terms of how the corporations from America helped to essentially rebuild Germany and support the early Nazi regime. And then, when the war broke out, figured out a way to keep everything going. So General Motors was able to keep Opal going, Ford was able to keep their thing going, and companies like Coca-Cola, they couldn't keep the Coca-Cola going, so what they did was they invented Fanta Orange for the Germans. And that's how Coke was able to keep their profits coming in to Coca-Cola. So when you drink Fanta Orange, that's the Nazi drink that was created so that Coke could continue making money while millions of people died. " (documentary)

6. "Some disturbing news today from the Genesee County Health Department. It announced the rat population in Flint... has now surpassed the human population. Health officials say it's due
to massive numbers of people leaving...
and the city cutting back to twice-monthly garbage collection...due to budget constraints." (documentary)

7. "Is there any risk of brain damage? Well, uh, technically speaking, the procedure is brain damage,
but it's on a par with a night of heavy drinking. Nothing you'll miss."

8. Pasha: But what does that matter? The private life, love, and so on, it's all dead and gone now, don't you agree? We have more important things to do. In any case, it was a way to delusion.
Yuri: It's the only thing that makes life worth living.

9. Karen Blixen: If I know a song of Africa, of the giraffe and the African new moon lying on her back, of the plows in the fields and the sweaty faces of the coffee pickers, does Africa know a song of me? Will the air over the plain quiver with a color that I have had on, or the children invent a game in which my name is, or the full moon throw a shadow over the gravel of the drive that was like me, or will the eagles of the Ngong Hills look out for me?

10. "Yes. I am relieved to know that I am not a golem."

11. "I saw then that my father's only fear was that his son would follow the same road. And that was the last time I ever held a gun. People always thought I grew up on a farm. And I guess, in a way, I did. But I lived a lifetime before that, in those six weeks on the road in the winter of 1931. When people ask me if Michael Sullivan was a good man, or if there was just no good in him at all, I always give the same answer. I just tell them... he was my father."

12. Pete: The Preacher said it absolved us.
Ulysses Everett McGill: For him, not for the law. I'm surprised at you, Pete, I gave you credit for more brains than Delmar.
Delmar O'Donnell: But they was witnesses that seen us redeemed.
Ulysses Everett McGill: That's not the issue Delmar. Even if that did put you square with the Lord, the State of Mississippi's a little more hard-nosed.

13. character 1: This portal is mine and must be sealed up forever. For the love of God.
character 2:With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood.
character 1: It's my head, Schwartz, and I'll see you in court!
character 2:] And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court?

14.Why can't we go to church?
Well, you can if you want... but it won't make things easier.
Why can't you wear black shoes like the other mothers?

15.
G: Everything's gonna be okay, sweetheart. Don't be upset.
K: What's happening to us?
G: I don't know.
K:: Are we gonna split up?
G: No, never. Don't even think about that, it's impossible. I love your mother and you are my heart. Could I live without my heart? Could I?

16. Now, remember - according to my theory, you interfered with your parents first meeting. If they don't meet, they won't fall in love, they won't get married and they won't have kids. That's why your older brother's disappearing from that photograph. Your sister will follow, and unless you repair the damage, you'll be next.
Sounds pretty heavy.
Weight has nothing to do with it.

17. Your parents are probably wondering where you are.
Nah... I mean, I'm already pregnant, so what other kind of shenanigans could I get into?

18." The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And like that, poof. He's gone."

19. Cole:She wanted me to tell you she saw you dance. She said, when you were little, you and her had a fight, right before your dance recital. You thought she didn't come see you dance. She did. She hid in the back so you wouldn't see. She said you were like an angel. She said you came to the place where they buried her. You asked her a question? She said the answer is...”Every day." What did you ask?
Lynn : Do... Do I make her proud?

20. Gretta Milano: I believe more is hidden than is seen.
John Hobbes: Well I believe what I see, but I'm still trying to get my mind around what I just saw.

21. "We're standing here in Philadelphia, the, city of brotherly love, the birthplace of freedom, where the, founding fathers authored the Declaration of Independence, and I don't recall that glorious document saying anything about all straight men are created equal. I believe it says all men are created equal."

22. "If there's one thing I've learned about all my years watching Earth, is that people aren't what they may seem. There are shop boys, and there are boys who just happen to work in a shop for the time being. And trust me Tristan, you're no shop boy."

23. Are either of you paleontologists? I'm in desperate need of a paleontologist.
No, we're high school students.
Pity.

24. Richie, this illness, this closeness to death... it's had a profound affect on me. I feel like a different person, I really do.
Dad, you were never dying.
...but I'm gonna live.

25. Captain Kangaroo, like Jesus Christ, was someone you could really believe in. With those guys it wasn't about the bells and whistles and the rickety rackety, it was all about the work. Especially Jesus.

loreleilove @ 2009-04-10T13:15:00

2009-04-10T17:34:23Z

So I went through a crappy spell. I'm doing muuuch better now. Something about sunlight makes everything better. I accepted a job I like more. I am thinking I'm about to get another job offer and I'm not sure what the etiquette on taking it is... both are better than anything else i've had in a long time.

I have been going to this Episcopal church in the most inner city part of the small area I live in (well there is a city that's more cityish about 25 miles away but i mean here). They have a soup kitchen and they believe in social justice and that makes me happy. It came up in conversation after church when we were all sitting down to lunch with the homeless people that the kitchen feeds, that there is a catholic worker house in norfolk... I think I'm going to start volunteering there. If you don't know anything about the catholic worker movement you should look into it. Dorothy Day has been my hero since I was 15. I didn't understand the idea of christian anarchism at the time, but I knew she was an extraordinary force for good in the world and that was enough.

Kody and I are doing much better. We both got depressed and we both said things that hurt each other... some of it was us being insenitive to each other and some of it was that we were both being oversensitive within ourselves... not a good combination.

Kody's pay isn't being docked for that overpayment anymore and we're about to be doing much better off. This is awesome because now we can give back to this community and work on saving for our eventual move back to the west coast.

also i briefly left this journal and started another one which i barely wrote in but i was feeling tied to the past and this journal has come with me through a lot... the flip side of that being that it holds a lot of baggage. i'm setting all of that free though. i'm moving forward and it's okay to look back without living in the past.

i guess what i'm saying is, i'm okay and i'm going to be okay and i just need to remember who i am and act like it. i can't get bogged down and give up... because honestly, i'm an incredible force for change and goodness in the world if i let myself be... and just because i can't single handedly accomplish all the things think up doesn't mean i'm not doing anything... yeah.

loreleilove @ 2009-03-06T19:59:00

2009-03-07T01:09:16Z

Okay, so what the fuck have I been doing? Seriously? I mean, I come here... I babble on about totally stupid shit... I keep living my life in a way that will never actually allow me to self actualize...

I realized not that long ago that... I don't act on what I feel. I act on what other people tell me they think, i think. which is not something i do on purpose... it's a habit i picked up to keep myself from totally fucking up when i was coming off drugs... because obviously what i thought and felt didn't lead me down a path i was happy with, or could survive through...

however, there are some serious changes a-comin'. i can feel it in my teeth, my bones... i'm about to make some really hard decisions that might not feel good, but will lead to the outcome that will ultimately make me happy...

i know, this is once again very, very vague...

i'm just not in a place to explain right now... but i can say, things are going to get better... i'm going to do what is right for me...

i'm finally actually truly over dan. i left his funeral early... i couldn't sit through all the good things people had to say about them when i couldn't reconcile them with the dan i knew... i'm not angry anymore. and i know i say that over and over... but sometimes you think something is over but... today i felt my heart lift. i am in control of my life, i am in control of my body and the things i think and say.

i'm finally in control of my life again, i'm not giving it away.

this is going to change everything. i just have to go about this the right way and not spend the next however long burning bridges, like the old lori...

i love this lori. damn, where the fuck have i been?

loreleilove @ 2009-02-24T09:30:00

2009-02-24T14:35:23Z

My problem is that I watch life... I watch it pass me by.

I'm 28 now... 28 years old... I feel like I should be more established or at least happily disestablished. I don't get out enough. I don't know how to any more.

I'm lonely. I just need someone to tell me to get over my damn self already and get on with my life.

What the hell am I doing? Why?

I ask why too much.

I just realize I've changed so much that I don't even recognize myself...

I just need an honest to god, flesh and bone friend to sweep me up in their arms and tell me it will be okay... but i'm afraid to be touched... dear god, who am i?

All the things I think I want, I get and realize they make me miserable... and then it's too late... and the things that made me happy are gone...

i just want to go back to austin already. i'm sick of running. i want to go home now. too bad i can't.

loreleilove @ 2009-01-15T20:20:00

2009-01-16T01:21:34Z

I've been really busy lately, will update soon. Just wanted to say to all my Michigan friends... I love you! I can't believe how cold it is here much less there and I would definitely snuggle and keep you warm if i was there.

much happier lately. much, much.

loreleilove @ 2009-01-11T20:32:00

2009-01-12T01:32:55Z

My heart has become capable of all forms:
For gazelles, a meadow, for monks, a monastery,
A temple for idols, the pilgrim’s Kaba,
The Tablets of Torah, the Book of the Quran
I profess the religion of Love, and whatever the direction
Taken by its mount, Love is my religion and my faith

Tarjuman al-Ashwaq