Today was a really interesting day. So many truths came to light... not because I went to see Ammachi... but because it got me thinking.

So I saw a ticker on the bottom of the news screen the other day saying "people waiting to see hugging saint in d.c." and I immediately knew that meant Amma was in town. I have wanted to see her for at least five years now and even though Kody wasn't here and I know he would have wanted to go I decided it was important for me to go. If you don't know who Amma is... it's best just to read this and this.

My friend Rainbow and I took a trip to Vienna, stayed in the wolf trap hotel... where we briefly stayed the summer before I started at Fairfax High and we went to Ikea... it was a ton of fun.

Seeing Amma was really different than I thought it would be. Everything was so chaotic and fast paced and I pretty much got shoved into her arms and furiously kissed on my cheeks. I don't know that I think she is an incarnation of the divine mother but I do think that she brings so much good to the world. She made me realize (though not through her kind of disturbing hug) that I judge myself so harshly, I don't love myself as much as I should and I judge in ways I shouldn't. The way I judge myself I will never measure up. I'm doing so much better but today I just realized... I have such a long journey to stop doing that. I also realized that part of why I have such crazy relationships is because... I don't really believe in "god" the way I used to and I have taken that need for agape love and love from a "savior" and put that on the people in my life. No one can measure up if I'm trying to have a relationship with them like I used to have with "god". I've realized that I still need to spend that energy and time working on my spiritual life and self even if I don't believe in god exactly... because I do believe in something that isn't of this plane, something that isn't earthly... a love that goes beyond that. I smell like sandalwood and roses and I can taste rose water when I breathe.

Oh... and I discovered the most amazing food stuffs ever. It's called upma. It's a savory indian cream of wheat dish... most of the recipes call for ghee but it was made with oil instead... yay! and they had vegan chocolate cake hell yeah!

So anyway, I spent quite a bit of money getting up there and then today when I got home I had gotten a check from my grandmother that almost totally made up for it... just cause she's proud of me... which is nice... but I kind of think I'm old enough that she should stop sending me money just because she's proud of me. I don't want to take from her. She's got health stuff to deal with and just generally shouldn't be supporting me.

I ordered this book on amazon (used) and I got it today and it has a huge freaking cut out like it was someone's drug stash spot and that kind of pisses me of because with shipping I paid almost what the book cost the original owner (it still have the sale price on it with a marked down sticker... ugh).

Anyway, long day. Bizarre... good, bad, interesting, yummy, perfumy, chanting, meditation, hugging, smiling, singing, now sleep.