This turned out to be really long... I was supposed to get my wisdom teeth taken out today... but I chickened out because I didn't have a ride home from the dentists office... and I wasn't going to drive home on pain killers. It just didn't seem smart.

I am working on losing weight... again. I am off to a pretty good start. I'm more interested in getting back in shape that I really am in how much I actually weigh.

My sleep schedule is all wacky again.

They called to offer me a chance to do another interview with the apartment complex. I thought about it for a few days, rearranged my class schedule so I wouldn't have anything really intense as far as the writing goes... so I'd be able to work and school both full time. Then I called them back and they were out of the office... I left a message and then had a little while to think about it. As much as it would be great to get out of this house and do something besides just school... I can't work full time and take full time classes when the job is at least 45 minutes (on average) from where I'm going to be moving and I really felt awful after both of those in person interviews. I couldn't make heads or tails of what they thought of me and they actually did this catty girl make fun of me thing in the fucking interview. It was all really superficial.

I've spent a lot of time the last few years freaking out and dwelling on the fact that I'm at a different place in my life than most of the people I grew up with who are my age. However, we're all on different pages. There are so many aspects of my life that I've spent more time on than other people my age and vice versa... but it's not a competition... life is not a competition. You can't beat someone and win... and I know this... but somehow it's still deep down in the core of the way I look at myself... and the longer I've let that fester the more its started coming up and I judge those closest to me on this crazy continuum of where they should be based on essentially a set of metrics... all subconsciously... it's fucking insane.

I've spent so much time afraid of failing that I've managed to accomplish less and less as time goes on... so I'm working on that.

I'm now looking for a fun job on the other side of the tunnel. I'm going to kick myself if I continue to judge my self worth according to my credit report, how many glasses of water I drink a day, how many calories I eat in a day, how many hours of whatever it is I'm stuck on in any given week I get accomplished. I'm not in a race to beat myself and somehow I'll kick my own ass and win some life race... because it's all fake. When did I get caught up in all this fake shit?

Also, I am beginning to realize just how much I gloss over the bad when I wax nostalgic... I have spent quite a bit of time... really since I moved to Olympia bitching about how much I miss X and if I just lived in town X instead of town Y, I would be fucking self actualized or something to that effect. I've never said it quite like that before but that's what I act like, and have somehow managed to convince myself of... but having some time to spend with someone who actually knows the people I know from northern virginia... and strangely enough also getting to spend time with someone who knows all the same people i do from mccallum when i was in austin... i managed to gloss over all the shitty stuff. It's not that I don't remember the crap along with the glossy greatness... I just compartmentalize them. I was having coffee with this girl who went to school with me in austin... who strangely enough neither of us really remember each other but remember knowing of each other and have the same basic group of acquaintances... and I just kept thinking about how crazy high school was, how great it was, how much it sucked and kind of being confused as to how that was possible because I've managed to stick everything in boxes... not nice neat little boxes... because nothing fits in nice neat little boxes and that's why I freak out so much.

I have spent so much of my time trying to make friends and then not actually associating with them because I have this secret fear that if they meet me they'll hate me... and maybe they will... but who's to say they won't also love me? Because I've come to realize (like some sort of epiphany) that someone can really hate me and simultaneously love the heck out of me... because it's just not that black and white... and that's what I've been missing in my crazy black and white world. Everything is a shade of grey... but not the same shade of grey... not all black and white... there is a spectrum and not everything is either diametrically opposed or the same.

So, I'm going to stop worrying that people won't love me because they hate an aspect of me... which if quite possible... to say I'm multifaceted is an understatement... because even if they do... it's not the end of the world. Just because everything isn't coming up roses all the time doesn't mean the world is going to end...

This is what you forget when you end up isolated for about half a decade. How crazy is that?

Part of what made me realize this was that I was having a conversation about how great austin was and how much I miss it and we started talking about someone that I kind of would have jumped in front of a bus for in high school... but also at times really wished i would just get hit by a bus because i couldn't stand dealing with this person any more... and I realized... you can feel both of those equally at the same time... so I feel sort of life I'm starting right back where I was in high school.

And somehow it opens this miracle door for me... now I can be happy where ever I go... because I will be able to love and hate it, sometimes even equally at the same time without having an anyeurism...

So I just wanted to say, thank you to all of you for being part of my life... for better and worse, sometimes simultaneously... when i'm loaded and when i'm broke... hopefully as long as this shit continues to play out... i love you... even if you're someone i don't like very much...

also, this makes my decision all those years ago, to pursue social work alot less heartbreaking and i'm going to just finish my degree (i'm getting there!) and do social work... because even if people break my heart, they can also help me find pieces that i didn't know i was missing and vice versa... it's not all or nothing anymore... this is so crucial for me to remember. if i can just hold on to this epiphany a little longer than most i'll be grateful.